Yours

Yours is the first skin
I touched in hopes of holding on.

Yours are the first lips
I kissed under bed covers,
stars, and disarray.

Yours are the first hands
I held in fear of where they'd go
had they strayed.

Yours are the first eyes
 to tell me 100 different things
 in a second and a half
without ever uttering a word.

Yours are the first eyes to know
what I feel like while unclothed.

Yours are the first hands
I let go of in wonder
of where they'd go.

Yours is the one and only body
mine still feels and misses
in the most selfish way.
In front of the fridge,
By the dishwasher.
On the couches.
On the street.
In the drive.
In the grass.
Your room.
Never in mine.
By the fireplace.
And by the bonfire.
And on the trampoline.
And on the railroad tracks.
On the bench by the pond, the lake.

Yours are the first fingers
to graze my bare thighs.

Yours are the first legs
to tangle and wrap around
mine.

Yours is the only presence
which ruins me in its absence.

Yours is the only voice
I keep voicemails of in
spite of knowing you'll
never call again. Because
You'll never call again.

Yours is the last thing
I fear I'll be again.

Yours is the face I see
in the best and worst
of my dreams.

Yours is the name
I would scream
in January, when October
I couldn't beat.


Yours is the number I
text but for which I
never can hit send.


Yours is the breaking
for which I always bend.

- Yours

Today

I don't know if I'll ever feel as deeply 

and strongly for someone as I did for you. 

You had me at, "is your hair hungry?" 

And at every line you drew. 

I want you to know 

that this is not for show.

It's how my life has changed, 

since you ended our friendship

 like a hanger to be hanged.

He kissed me today. 

By the river, on the bank.

He asked me first 

And I saw his thirst 

But after you 

I hate that it's true 

But I rarely do refuse.

I remember I saw that exact same thirst 

once before in your eyes 

as they cursed 

the feeling there inside of you 

to wait at least until month three

To even dare kiss me; 

I loved your chivalry. 

I don't know how you did it— 

how you wonderfully won over me.

I don't even think you knew how willingly 

I gave my heart over to you. 

For once upon a zucchini gift 

on my deck as only you would do, 

I simply and whole-heart-edly just knew. 

Now I give my body and my opinion.

And I neither do not mind nor do. 

The only thing that kills me now 

is that no matter who I choose,

not one of them will ever be 

the same as you— for they are them—

and you refuse.

Phantom Legs

I want to walk for years. 

to your old house.

to the place under the tree in 

my front yard.

to the frozen couch on Dean St. 

to Heaven Dr. 

and Mac'n Cheese Hill.

That place under the stars

by the cemetery in the middle of

 I was looking at you. 

You asked me where I think 

the stop signs go to die 

and I told you I do, too—

love you. 

Now I select your name on the computer 

and I hit 'replace'. 

It says "no replacement found". 

It makes me want to walk 

to the places in my mind 

where you are still around. 

Where falling in love is 

sliding across the hardwood flooring, 

kissing in the rain on the side of the

road while it's straight up pouring,

tiptoeing to your room while 

your parents are snoring. 

I want to walk back to Dean Street

with my clothes-iron and spoon

and look at you and your muskmelon

and say "I still love you."

Meet me in Hell, and we'll walk
like you always joked we'd do,

through the hearse show;
I love you still, it's true.

As to why, I really just don't know. 

- A Paraplegic 

As I Raised It To My Lips

If you can't tell someone where you've been, 

at least tell them where you're going. 

Sometimes, that's not enough for them, 

but more often than not they'll be 

happy to have an idea of what 

you are doing when they think 

of you randomly while at breakfast 

with your placebo, or replacement. 

They'll raise their coffee to their lips 

and right before they take a drink, 

they'll picture you doing whatever is was 

that you told them you'd be doing,

 even if what you are doing is 

trying to 

forget them. 

The waitress 

whose name 

I still have 

yet to ask 

approached 

our table

 and rattled

 me out of

 my thoughts;

I heard the

 boy across

 the table

 rambling

still. He 

  isn't you. 

"More Coffee 

to top it off?"

 she asked. 

"Yes please 

just to warm

 it up,"  

I muttered.

"Sure thing."

"Thanks,"
I said as

  I raised it 

   to my lips. 

Benediction

Is it war if you fight it?

Is it love when you don't?

There is more when you let go

Of the fear that you can't

As we burn in the fire

Slowly learning to breathe

Ooh... but come die with me

Always looking for an underneath

Imagine it's a warning sign

I don't wanna lose more time

Darling, don't you close your eyes

Keep listening - are you listening?

I'm sorry we don't have forever

Ooh... but come die with me

There's a knock in the silence

I see death at the door

But I know we'll be alright

Cause your hands are still warm

The day the smoke starts rising

And all the bombs fall down

Don't wanna be the ones caught hiding

Wanna see the sky when it hits the ground

Imagine it's a warning sign

I don't wanna lose more time

Darling, don't you close your eyes

Keep listening - are you listening?

I'm sorry we don't have forever

Ooh... but come die with me

-Luke Sital-Singh

Standing In Front Of A Podium

I used to do what I had to do because I had to.

Now I do not because I can. 

I don't know what happened. 

I was waiting for you to show. 

Expecting you to know

How much your presence meant to me. 

She died. I didn't know her well. 

I knew you. And I killed you before

You could even live. 

But I didn't do it on purpose. 

I didn't even know I'd done it. 

Not fully. 

So when you told me what I'd done— to you— 

How I made you sick to your stomach with feeling. 

I couldn't grasp it. It made no sense. 

I loved you. 

You loved the idea of me. 

There was a metaphysical gap in there somewhere. 

A rip, a tear. 

You're gone now. 

And I've lain you down. 

You're dead. 

And so is she.
Only difference is,

I went to her funeral. 

And this is your eulogy.

- 6 Foot Reach 

I Keep Running Into Her

I still believe you're there inside 

Hidden in and under and away behind 

The person you are trying to show you've

Become through the eyes in your head. 

     I know if I could only look you in the eye 

           Surprise you

                     Shock you

           Show you I don't believe you for a second 

             You'd unzip yourself from the top of your head

                Underneath your hairline and step out of your

                   Winter skin before it consumes you. 

                       It's not fair, that you should disappear 

                             Into blackness, deeper despair. 

                                     Before you even realize you want out

and can't get out

Can't get out

Can't get out

Like an overly tight dress on a self- conscious girl,

Suffocating and frightening. 

Get out 

Come out 

Come out of this skin. I beg of you.

Cover yourself in your old t-shirts and red-colored jeans.

Purple shoes... Kind eyes. 

Put on your Bullet For My Valentine 

Shirt and knock on my front door. 

But please don't wait for me to answer it,

Just come right in. As you always did. 

Walk into my kitchen like you used to

And hug me from behind. 

Remind yourself of who you are inside.

Come out of this skin.

It's already changing your chin!

It's absorbed your mouth... Your cheek!

Don't let it spread to your hands, your heart, your feet. 

                     Don't do this for her, for him, or for me.

              Do it for happiness. For life. And for yourself. Be free! 

        That's all I want for you. 

    I want you, for you. 

I need you to fight for you. 

    Truly, I do. 

        But don't forget me
           when you leave in search of you. 

               Don't forget me...
                   On this...I won't relent

                             Don't forget

                                         -Her, The One You Finally Bent 

The Words I Can Say

Asleep in Silence, alive in Pain. 

Dead in Ignorance, reborn insane.

In the late hours I'm tempted to say, 

"Good Lord we're broken,

But I know it's not in vain."

You're a world away. 

Changed.

Deranged. (Compared to how I knew you).

Obtained. (By the incinerator of souls).

(Depression). 

Intercession. (With yourself under cover). 

Of darkness. (It's my only explanation). 

For why you severed the umbilicals linking us.

Feeding me. Ornamentation. 

But I was not decorous.

I did not make you look better.

You made me better. Or maybe not.

Perhaps, most probably,

Your eager ear made my loose lips utter justifications

For my actions, because you listening 

Emboldened me. 

Destructively. 

I don't know why but your hand grabbing for me 

Only made me position my mind equidistant

From you and the love in me. 

It was like tug of war with heaven and hades;

The rope, blue,

And heaven—on fire.

Asleep in Silence, alive in Pain. 

Dead in Ignorance, reborn insane.

In the late hours I'm tempted to say, 

"Good lord we're broken, 

But I know it's not in vain."

You are a world away. 

Changed.

Deranged. (Compared to how I knew you).

Obtained. (By the incinerator of souls).

(Depression). 

Intercession. (With yourself under cover). 

Of darkness. (It's my only explanation). 

For why, in God's name,

You would drop to one knee

Then turn around & abandon me. 

Caging the love in my heart and

Training it to fear the airborne, forlorn

Nature of Cupid's dart. 

Because your love was an ultimatum

"What if I just proposed?"

I know that nobody really knows, but I do. And those?  

Those were your words. 

Verbatim.

-Speechless

My Problem

I. Never. Stopped. 

Caring about you. 

in the silence, 

in the cold

in the anger

in the bold attempts 

to leave you behind 

I always felt this deep 

and unadulterated sense

of understanding for and of

who you are. 

You do not change. 

You may struggle to adapt yourself 

and sometimes you avoid pain

by inflicting it 

but you, yourself, 

do not change. 

And because of you,

neither will I

I'll always care

without any regard

for myself. 

- Scraping

Last Fall

No one ever

really likes to say what they've done. 

Just like they don't really like to say 

What's happened to them.

"When it happened..."

        "The incident"

                 "That day..."

They act as though 

naming the thing they did 

and the thing that happened 

to them will suddenly make 

those things revisit them. 

Maybe it will.

-Someone Who Notices

Tell Me Anyway

I'm wondering 

Where you are

How you are

What you're doing 

If you're hurting 

If you're happy 

Who you're with 

If you miss me 

If you think of me 

If God puts you in my mind 

at the moments you most need Him

But I know I do not want to know 

The power of the question 

is lost in the answer. 

I might not survive the answers. 

Or I will and they won't affect me. 

I'm really not sure what would hurt more. 

and I'm entirely convinced I do not want

to know that either.

-Misgiving

The Pits

I hide behind my hair 

When I don't want them to see my face 

Sometimes I tiptoe around the earth 

as if I could greet the grave 

without leaving a trace 

God knows you're here

if you believe that God's up there

Let that comfort fill the pits 

In your stomach where the empty is,

let it fill your lungs like a nicotine hit 

if you're okay with being full of shit. 

-Lab Rat #6,999,999,999: Showing Symptoms Of Doubt

On The Daily

Me: Who are you here for? 

Your New Girlfriend’s Profile Pic: My boyfriend! You? 

Me: A ghost. 

-Every time I Stalked Your Facebook

Advice

"You have to let it go to move forward."

Thank you so very much. 

I'll let you know 

how the drive goes 

when I remove all the lines 

from the road. 

-The Snarcasm From Within

Bitterness

But I know they're right. 

There isn't a single dead end 

that leads to Rome, 

and no one fills up at a gas station 

so they can call it home. 

I have to accept 

You were the tank of gas

I needed to get where I was going, 

and going pretty fast. 

I have to accept this to make

this functional feeling last. 

-Repairman No Longer Wanted

Diffuse

Witness happiness; it will bleed into you. 

It may evaporate you into a whisper as it moves from high to low, 

but I'm not a chemist. 

It might just stay within your components 

and make you a better compound.

 It may take away the acidity.

It may leave just enough to remind 

you you're still a little sour. 

But our tongues were made 

to taste that too. 

Being human sucks, I know! 

But some of us have figured out 

a way to make the best of it. 

You have to think about it this way: 

The sun may have gotten 

the better deal over the moon, 

but we have our capacity of reason; 

I like to think that puts us

just shy of stars underneath the Sun. 

And we are rising balloons;

we can handle the heat. 

Just be watchful—careful— 

because Icarus thought so too, 

and even he was beat. 

-The Girl In The

 Corner of Nikki’s 

Go Insane

Go insane— 

But never judge the breaks

by the bones wear-ing a cast,

for the silent bones are the bones 

whose breaking often goes

painstaking-ly, un-note-essed.

They may heal, and marrow 

may refill their cracks,

But it slowly pools 

through invisible holes 

in tendrils weak—around the back.

Panning for survivors through

the coals of molten flesh,

the wounds are deepest where 

the old blood meets the fresh.

And even though forgotten 

pain awakens in vain 

without a bullet-proof, 

word-proof vest,

there is no cage 

made of rib-bone or rage

with steel enough to restrain 

the thrashing scars from for-give-ness. 

But still invest— in the insane—

for it is the bane

that often precedes life's very best.

As for the rest, I'd say, 

there is, truly,

little con-se-quence.

--Someone Who’s
 Picked Their Heart
Up Off The Ground 

20 Candles For You To Blow Out

It's my birthday. 

And the only person I want to hear

 "Happy Birthday" from is you. 

When you said it, 

I know you actually meant 

"Love me.... And I'll be damned 

to hell if you ever let go."

But that was years ago. 

-Blindly Waiting For You 

I Should Delete This

Today:

“Hey girl, you still seein’ that guy?”

“Which one?”

Every boy I turned more man 

since you asked me for my shaking hand 

flashed through my mind 

like whirling wind in a wind-turbine. 

If you had tried for my heart instead of demanding my hand, 

I wouldn’t have run to another man 

that wasn’t you again and again. 

I should have been your's. 

But, you took the wrong stand. 

And even though sometimes 

I think I still am, 

when push comes to shove 

love awakens love. 

An "I do" for "I do". 

-This Is What Happened After You

Thinking Back

It may have come in a surge, 

the caring for you, 

or as a sickening wave, 

but I never stopped—

not even for a second— 

loving, longing for, praying for,

and thinking about you. 

You are my other. 

I’ll have other others

… I’m sure. 

But I’ll never have another first other. 

A second or a third maybe … 

But you will always be the original other. 

You’ll always be. 

And I think that’s what

makes me so frightening. 

Why the other others are afraid. 

They can’t relate. 

They can’t see into my memory and experience you. 

That’s a privilege I have. 

The misery is a privilege. 

I am privileged to have lived 

in the reach of your existence,

to have been brushed and 

penetrated by your being

for a time. 

I know this. 

And I hate it. 

It scares me, too. 

-A Little Naieve